On 23rd July 2024 the College of Policing and National Police Chiefs’ Council published the first National Policing Statement 2024 about Violence Against Women and Girls.
The very first sentence in this significant report describes violence against women and girls (VAWG) – including domestic abuse – as having reached ‘epidemic levels’ in the UK. It refers to the data that informed the Statement as ‘staggering’. It goes on to say: “At least 1 in every 12 women will be victims of VAWG per year (2 million victims) and we expect the exact number to be higher”. One in twelve. It is time we heard their voices and challenged that reality. Here is one of those voices.
Cheryl’s Story
“I was a single parent with my daughter after my partner turned to drink and became violent after he lost his brother. It began with slaps, then punches and strangulation. I was too scared to tell anyone as I was frightened of the consequences and of losing my daughter if children’s services became involved.
I had to move away to find refuge and I have had to lose my friends, my family so am totally on my own. My daughter and I were at another refuge for 8 months, but my ex-partner found out which city I was in. He called social services and said he knew which refuge I was in (which he didn’t) and he said he was going to kill me and he would do that so they took my daughter to foster care back in the area we had fled from and I moved to this refuge. After a long time I have made contact with my dad.
I have done the Freedom programme here in the refuge and although I’d done it before it is a different approach when done through Women’s Aid and I feel I have learnt a lot about warning signs. I don’t think I‘d be where I am today if it was not for the women in this refuge. I’ve joined the Power to Change group and the facilitator allows the group to talk about things; it helps to hear other people’s stories and to realise you are not alone. The Power to Change group is helping with confidence having been so isolated for so long. It is a safe space with other women who have been through similar things.
I am waiting for counselling as the mental health team have said they won’t support me whilst I am living in the refuge, so I have accessed the WMWA counselling service. The thought of moving out of the refuge is scary and I could be sitting in a flat by myself for days, but I can still access the Women’s Aid counselling and the recovery groups after I move out of the refuge.
The staff here seem to find the right words at the right time, they also say it like it is and give you confidence and encouragement.
I went to meet him (ex -partner) a while ago. He threatened my family and my daughter, and I felt pressured to meet him due to threats of violence and my dad has disabilities and is vulnerable and would not be able to dial 999 quickly enough. He does do the things he threatens to do so my fear was real. He seriously assaulted me on that occasion but I was too frightened to make a statement to police as last time I did that it escalated and made things worse. I felt drained physically and emotionally and shut myself away but the refuge staff have been amazing and I was frightened to tell the staff but when I did it made such a difference and felt like the pressure was lifted from my shoulders. They think of things that you need to do e.g. take photos of injuries just in case I need them in the future as evidence even though I don’t want to prosecute now.
Also for me I have had trauma throughout my life. I lost my mother at a young age, was given drugs by my father, sexually abused by one of his friends. The impact of trauma on my decision-making is now becoming clearer, through the Freedom Programme and chats with my 121 worker which has helped me process and understand what has happened to me. I have had 2 miscarriages due to the violence. The staff here have given me information about groups that can support me with that grief – they will find information for me whenever I need it. I struggle to read using my phone so they have accessed funds to buy me a tablet to help with that and so that I can have video calls with my daughter.
I visit my daughter every week which is hard due to my anxiety and mental health. I wouldn’t be able to do that journey for any other reason; its almost 7 hrs to get there by train. I stay the night with my dad and come back the next day, a total of five trains and a taxi. The journey costs £57 a week. They wanted to move it to somewhere closer to her foster home but it has less trains running so I will have to be at the station for hours, but I’ll do anything to see her and the next day I feel traumatised and exhausted. She is four years old. I make her tea here and take it with me and heat it up at the contact centre. I see her for just over an hour, she eats her tea so there is little time left for play and interaction but it is late as she travels there after school and then has to travel back to foster care. I have a son of 26 who I raised. My parenting is not an issue, just the relationship and they said my decision making was poor but I hadn’t experienced anything else.
The staff here take on board the suggestions I make and understand that I am not ready to do some things. I like doing things in a group in the refuge for activities or to build relationships between those who live in the refuge.
I was asked about my sense of identity, hobbies or interests but I have never had an opportunity for those things ,and things which a mother may have taught me I have learnt later on in life. Sometimes in the past I have wondered what is it that I did so bad to have been given this life as I have always had bad things happen to me, but now I think that I can make a difference to someone else’s life and that is the reason this is all happened to me. I couldn’t join the Nurture group at the refuge as I am away for contact with my daughter, but the Children’s worker at the refuge is doing it with me on my own which I really appreciate and will help. I have always put everyone else first now I am learning to look after myself. I am learning to care and love myself, this has also really helped me and now I have my nails done and have bought a new coat.
I went through a phase of not getting up or washing and my reason for everything had gone once my daughter wasn’t with me whereas now I makes sure I go out every day and the staff in the refuge check in each day and that prompts me to come down and say hi to them.
I am also hoping to do some voluntary work in the future. I am aware of not setting myself up to fail by doing too much, so am focusing in the groups now and other things for the future. I was using crack and heroin for 14 years and have been clean 6 years. My dad was always violent and drugs were an escape from that and the sexual abuse. I was also a sex worker for five years and I plan to use all of this experience for good but for now I am focusing on my daughter. I have helped other residents who are struggling with drugs. I hope that someday I will fall in love with something, find something out there to give me a passion so I will make small steps to find something, I did goal setting courses in prison.
I spent years wondering what is wrong with me, but now realise I am an alright person.”
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